The fault in loving It

It romanced me. 

It made me heart sing when days looked dreary. 

It told me that this season would come to an end.

It brought my joy and strength when my heart was weary. 

It became my hope, and my friend. 

It became an escape when things got tough. 

It held me on nights when I wanted to give up. 

It was so excited. 

It loved to dream with me. 

It wasn’t mine to hold just yet.

But It brought me a glittery, itching feeling of what’s ahead. 

And I couldn’t wait for the day until we really met. 

It finally came. 

And I took It’s hand. 

I sang, I jumped, I screamed, I danced, and

There were a few days when I was off in la-la land. 

Then we disagreed, 

It took a lot of my time and effort, 

And I found out that It was hard to please.

Those nights of the past when I used to lay in my bed,

Alone or scared or tired of pressing on, 

Wandering when I would meet It,

Dreaming with joy of our time together, 

Knowing that we would be singing a brand new, beautiful song, 

Now seemed so far off, 

As I lay there alone, scared and tired of pressing on,

Is this really IT?! 

It couldn’t comfort me any longer,

Because I was giving It all that I had, 

And It took a lot of work, 

Gone were the nights of dreaming and romanticizing. 

It lost it’s glitter, 

It lost it’s shine, 

I didn’t know if I wanted It any longer to be mine? 

I had given It all that I had, 

I had allowed It to comfort me, 

It had been my wild adventure, 

It had been a whisper of a promise that became a fantasy, 

And now It was leaving, 

It had now come to fruition. 

All those days and night that my head was lost in romance, 

All of those hopes and dreams and visions of how wonderful It would be…

And then It was gone, It had to come and to go, 

And I thought to myself, was that IT? 

And I realized that my love for It had taken me from a very important “We”. 

Yet He called me back to His side and pulled me in close, 

“It can be better, when you’re fully in love with Me.” 

When you’re watching God’s promises unfold before your eyes, you are quick to realize the fault of what happens when you love a promise and not the Savior. What has been a labour of belief as you wait for the promise to come to fruition, becomes a labour of love, obedience, selfless sacrifice and hard work when you are living in that promise. 

The promise is not wild. The promise is not romantic. The promise will not fulfill you. The promises will not be as great as you think it will be. 

Jesus is wild. Daddy God is pouring love out on us. The Holy Spirit fills us. God is ever greater than we can ever imagine Him to be. 

Promises are spoken for the future. We are living in promises today. We all have promises that have been fulfilled already. Through it all, we have an ever-present God. 

Let’s give HIM all of our love today.

I hated it

I was twenty-two when we first brought them home. I hated it. I didn’t like little hands knocking on my window at 5 am, and I certainly didn’t like loud voices waking me up arguing in the middle of the night. I didn’t like all the time that I felt obligated to spend with them, and I really detested all the time I spent giving out punishments. I didn’t like the constant fear gripping me that one was going to run away and we were going to fail. I hated even more thinking about how much it would hurt me if they left, because I loved them. I didn’t like how tormented I was replaying conversations with critics and voices of scorn in my head. I didn’t like the pressure I felt to perform well. I hated how stuck I felt. 

The thing I hated the most was every time I looked at God, He was smiling! Smiling as I suffered, smiling as I lay awake at night letting stress toss my mind to and fro, smiling as I sat in three hour long disciplinary meetings with kids trying to make them understand that life in our home, even when they have a punishment, is better than life on the streets. 

See, He was smiling as he began bestowing blessings on us. He was cheering us on as we learned how to lay down our lives for our friends. He rejoiced every time my face hit the floor, weeping in fervent prayer - as I built a foundation of trust. He was thankful for every ‘yes’ we had given Him. He delighted in my loneliness as He and I learned how to be friends. He laughed as any parent would watching their small child try to pick up something that is entirely too heavy for their chunky, tiny, toddler arms; and His heart leapt for joy when He heard me say “Daddy, come help me.” 

I’ve learned to delight in the months of having a foggy head. I’ve learned to rejoice when my questions tally up higher than my reasons to praise. I’ve learned to laugh when I realize that I’m trying to move something on my own strength. I’ve learned to be thankful for countless seasons of suffering, because there’s always an unidentifiable point that you begin to count those seasons, not of suffering, but of abundant growth. And I smile, because God has taught me to see every single one of those children for what they are - a blessing to me - worth waiting on, worth laboring for, and really worth getting rid of me. 

He and They

He doesn't let the smaller one leave for school until he has fixed his collar, quizzed him on his homework, and given him a gentle shove out the door.  He is a man of excellence.
He doesn't let that aunt that he loves out of his sight, as they trek their three mile morning run. He is a protector. He holds the one that is enduring a punishment and tells him "Even me, I've had so many punishments before. Punishments don't mean that we don't love you."  He is a peacemaker. He leads our family in worship every Saturday night.  He is a strong tower. He doesn't like serving at the street programs with the street kids, but God is telling him to go, and so he goes. He is faithful. He is always a "yes" when it comes to helping others, no matter what it costs him. He is a servant.

There are many beautiful "he's" that make up this home of "they."

They are inexplainable. They don't care that seven year olds aren't supposed to play with eighteen year olds, they play. They share clothes, laughs, dreams, and living quarters. They school together, go to church together, work together, serve together, and are silly together. They don't have a system of who owes who what. They give and they take. They love and they are loved.  They define fellowship. They define family. They define community.

They are world changers. They are dreamers. They are shedding glory all over this home every day as they simply do life together with an excellence that God himself delights in.

They have taught me how to love, and for that, I am eternally grateful.

Doors Christmas Wish List

Excuses

I was looking for a way to get this kid out of our house. 

There are little moments like on the first night when his stomach is full and he realizes he gets to sleep in a bed, that he runs up to me and almost knocks me down. He wrapped his arms around me and began to jump up down, overwhelmed, saying “Thank you, Aunt! Thank you, Aunt! Thank you, Aunt!” Despite the huge smile on his face, his eyes were filled with tears. 

Those are the moments that everybody imagines when you bring a child home whose been sleeping on the sidewalk, waiting from the trash, and invisibly walking around the city being surpassed by thousands of people.

The truth of the matter is, those moments are far and few. It’s hard to see children shaking as addictions wane. It’s harder to love them as they quarrel and lie and chase other children around with sharp objects. It’s hard to break a lifestyle of shouting, fighting, and stealing. It’s hard to lose a mentality of “Nobody cares for me and the whole world is out to get me.” 

It’s hard not to blame that child for disturbing and disrupting your home that has been so unified and in tact for such a long time. It’s like having toddlers in the home, who know how to walk and talk but you have to watch their every move. 

The first two weeks we brought him home, I kept thinking, “We can just make a recommendation to another organization to take him because these other organizations can help this boy better than we can right now.”

Translation: Let’s make him somebody else’s problem and we can go back to our happy, quiet, peaceful life.

God so gently reminded me, “I didn’t make him somebody else’s problem, I brought him here.” 

As a staff, He was calling us to fully fight for this kid. I had been looking for an excuse to get out of the fight. 

Two weeks later, I’m still tired. He’s still shaking. I watch him fervently pray every night before he goes to sleep that God will protect him throughout the night, and I’m spending most of my nights being woken up and comforting a child who is wrecked by nightmares. I’m touched as the very boys he was quarreling with two weeks ago, open up their arms to him every night. He climbs into bed with these boys that are younger than he is and they hold him as he falls asleep. 

Meekness now envelops his character. Being loved, envelops his heart. 

There’s still a long way to go, but who doesn’t have a long way to go? The message has been made very loud and clear to me, He’s worth fighting for. 

Really, who isn’t worth fighting for? 

Excuses contaminate our belief. We can always always always find a logical excuse (but we usually call them reasons) of getting out of doing God’s will. 

I’ve learned a hard lesson the past few years (still learning), that any time I really want to get out of somewhere, that’s usually where God is calling me to hunker down and fight. God does not give a spirit of flee-dom, to where we’ve fled from problems, people, or places our whole lives and now our paths are covered by places that we’ve fled from and we’re scared to return to, due to unfinished business that we ran away from. 

He calls us to meet those people, places, and problems head on; armed with love, strengthened with joy, and resting in Him. To fight fully for the Kingdom, is to be loved fully by the King. 

How Was Your Trip?

Imagine it- You hear the airplane pilot's calm voice over the speaker system declare that you are only 20 minutes from your final destination, a brief weather update, and current time.  A few things might be going through your mind right about now… Will my family be on time to pick me up?  Should I stop at the Starbucks in the airport or just wait until tomorrow?  What do I want for dinner tonight?!  The possibilities are endless…  I'll be in a real bed tonight…

Truth is, you're actually too jet lagged and overwhelmed to make any sound decision, whether it be latte choice or food choice.

You have just arrived home from your _______ (insert time- days, months, years) in ____________ (insert country).

Many of you who read this blog and follow Doors Ministries have lived and worked with us. You also understand these above thoughts and emotions quite well.  Let's be real, most people who have stepped through the front door of our house in Uganda have had to step out and get on a plane back to America.  In fact, the largest population of missionaries are ex-missionaries (I know I know, you are never really out of the mission field, but for the sake of this conversation, I'm making a distinction.)

I came back to America on December 28th, 2013.  I had been living and breathing life in Uganda for about 2 1/2 years, and at that moment I found myself landing back in America for an undetermined amount of time.  If you would have asked me to imagine my past 2 1/2 years in Uganda, it wouldn't even come close to the reality of it all.  Traveling their with Mallory and two other good friends, realizing after 3 months that God was stirring in our hearts to walk in the impossible task He was putting before us, being scared out of our minds, looking up return flights to America just in case we totally bombed, extending our plane tickets a year, starting the boys home, starting the school, starting the women's ministry, opening the nurses office…. In the path of all this we meet friends that we will be forever bonded with in soul, we almost fail in all areas of ministry multiple times, Mallory and I almost lose our friendship, we lose sight of Jesus as the forefront of our ministry and lives. It has all been glorious, and gloriously hard.  But, as 22 year olds, fresh out of university, we had it coming.  Those mistakes and trials do not stop the incredible growth of our boys and Doors volunteers, our faults do not hinder the growth of the school, and the women's ministry is literally bursting at the seams of the building.  We experienced and understood why God truly does call the small to do the great and impossible things- It's easier for Him to take over.

So here I am, on this plane, about to land in Nashville, TN.  Amazed by the grace, love, and power of God in every part of Doors Ministries, in every facet of my life, in every trial that we faced, in every mountain top and valley we ever walked through.

If you have lived overseas, you have your God story, your trials, your mistakes, your path, your lessons, your people.  It has all been very real and now as you land in your familiar, now not-so-familiar home, you aren't sure how any thing, any place, any people, any circumstance could ever compare with the past _________ of your life in ________.

You're home for a few weeks stumbling through your every day, trying to figure out how Walmart works again, and why there are so many choices of EVERYTHING, you keep having to remind yourself to drive on the RIGHT side of the road, you have accidentally spoken in Luganda to a few of your black friends, and if you're anything like me you have spent some significant time weeping.

And then it happens.  You run into that friend or family member in a store or at church and they commit the most unspeakable atrocity against you… they ask- "How was your trip?" You aren't sure what to do or say at this point… do you run out of the room crying, do you stand up on a chair and exclaim to everyone around how amazing and hard and deep the past ________ of your life has actually been, do you let this person have it and shove a Shane Claiborne book down their throat, or do you just say- "it was awesome" and walk away.

This is just one example of what I have seen "ex-missionaries" go bonkers about.  We could go on and on about our opinions on mega churches, Starbucks, upper-middle class society, AMERICA, etc… I'm not judging you, seriously, the only reason I am able to write about this stuff is because I've been the worst of the worst.  Your emotions and thought provoking questions about how to live life as a Christ follower are REAL and they should be asked.  These are things that we should WRESTLE with once we have spent time with the poor and the hurting.  That "trip" you went on should forever change YOU.

Did that person who asked how your trip was really commit a horrible crime against you?

NO.

Are your friends and family shallow when they can't fully comprehend the life you just lived?

NO.

Will community ever be the same as it was for you on the "mission field?"

Maybe not.

Are you being shallow, close minded, and high maintenance when you judge others?

YES.

I wasn't sure how to write on the Doors blog anymore.  I wasn't sure how the stories of street kids or single moms could still be propelled from my American point of view.  But I think I know now.  I think that Satan doesn't give a flip that we lived in _________ for ________.  I don't think he is too concerned with our experiences and the hard lessons learned.  You know what he is afraid of?  He is afraid that the light will get out in your current position in your current location.  He is afraid that instead of being bitter and distraught over your relocation back home that you will dive deeper into God's plan over your life.  The enemy wants judgement and bitterness and sympathy for yourself to overtake the joy, and passion, and forgiveness.

I can't forget what I've seen, what I've tasted and heard in Uganda.  I'm not the same and I never will be.  I don't compare America to Uganda anymore.  It's not the same place, and the people here are different, with different experiences.  The thing is, Jesus is the same.

  Jesus is the same.  

He has the same power, the same love, and the same passion for His children to know and believe and experience Him.  Don't waste another second on judgement or bitterness or comparison.

Each of us has an adventure before us today.  Whether you are on a dirt road in Uganda or whether you are in front of a computer screen in America with a picture on your desk of that child who forever wrecked your life.  Your adventure yesterday can't be the adventure of today.

The question still stands-

How was your trip?

Did your trip paralyze you or did your trip set your heart so on fire that with every new step the world burns with passion for Jesus and His Kingdom come?

Irene

For the 2014 school year Doors was very fortunate to find Irene Lwanga.  Irene is a graduate of Africa Renewal University with a degree in Social Work and Counseling.  Each week she combines her degree and gifts from the Lord to counseling and encourages our students, women’s ministry, and parents.  As a young wife and mother she is able to relate, connect, and disciple all aspects of the schools clients.  We have all been blessed by Irene’s passion to serve and commitment and care that she shows to all.

When asked why she likes working for Doors, her contribution was a bit more than we expected.... 

Why do you like working with Doors Ministries?

Ø  It is a ministry. Doors has given me a chance to serve the DOORS Community and God. All the work I do puts God first.

Ø  Doors is a family. I look at it as a big family bringing us all together, pupils, teachers, and women. A family that cares for each and everybody. I entered into this big family where everyone is known by name from the youngest to the eldest. Everybody knows where the everybody lives.  Teacher Angela knows where each child stays and every detail of their family. To me, I feel this is where I belong. I felt loved and cared for when I recently gave birth, DOORS visited me and made me a card with lovely messages. It encouraged and gave me joy that I belong somewhere.

Ø  It is a transformation centre where people are transformed, so I want to be part of the group that is transforming society.

Ø  I love working at DOORS because children are supported in education, health and spiritual matters, which moves me to support them in psychological matters, career guidance, hygiene, adolescent counseling, help them make smart choices, spiritual counseling and others. Doors know that education alone cannot create good citizens but also counseling. That is why I like working with them, other schools in Uganda have not realized the need for counseling

Ø  I like working at DOORS because it has challenged me spiritually. It has put me on fire again for Christ. The different prayer requests I receive from the women’s ministry have made me re-organize my prayer time and Bible study time  I now pray more and study the Bible more, because I have to teach every Thursday and to counsel those with spiritual and psycho social issues.

Ø  I like working at Doors because my counseling services, with education and prayer will produce good performance.

Ø  My work at Doors is a fulfillment of what God has called me to do. I received a prophetic message from God calling me to be a counselor for the youths, married couples, and women. It took me 10 years to prepare for this. Soon I am going for a masters degree. 

Ø  DOORS pays me so am able to help my family somehow, thus I love working at Doors.

What are you passionate about? 

-Helping people make right decisions. I do this by creating a relationships with them. Through this I can know what they believe in and help them make right decisions.

Ø  I am passionate about seeing people live a happy, peaceful life. I know that people struggle to get essentials in life, but there is a chance to struggle with a peaceful heart knowing that the situation there in will change for the better. I have practically decided to sponsor a child in Gulu for two years under ARMS sponsorship program.

Ø  I am passionate about letting people know we are powerless, everything is about Christ. There is nothing we can do without Him. Everything begins and ends with God.

Ø  I love comedy. I love to be happy and to be with happy people. I feel so bad when a group of people around me are sad, have tough faces, or do not want to smile or laugh. I feel comfortable when someone smiles at me.

Ø  I want to be a caring friend.

Ø  I am passionate about my marriage/family. I want my home to be the safest, peaceful place for everyone. I am unfriendly to anyone who disrespects this.

Ø  I love cooking good food

Ø  I like adventuring