I Have Questions.

"I know that you can do anything, and no one can stop you.  You asked, 'Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorance?' It is I-and I was talking about things I knew nothing about, things far too wonderful for me.  You said, 'Listen and I will speak! I have some questions for you, and you must answer them.' I had only heard about you before, but now I have seen you with my own eyes. I take back everything I said, and I sit in dust and ashes to show my repentance." -Job 42:1-6

The day I graduated college my best friend and roommate gave me a card with this verse inside.  I had never read the book of Job before (I heard it was pretty depressing, and I wasn't into that stuff) and I had no idea at the time that this chapter would be one I would read over and over for the next two years. 

Last week was one of those weeks that changed my life forever.  I got to jump on board with a medical team from the states and work a few free clinics.  I was given about 5 minutes of instruction and an oral list of around 50 available medications before I jumped in head first into a sea of sick people.  I saw over a hundred moms, children, and babies suffering from some typical and not-so-typical health issues. At the end of a busy day I was done seeing patients and I was told to attend the "Spiritual Care Station." This is the most important part of any free clinic, because nothing is worse than a sick spirit.  So, I sat down, ready to get my prayer on with the next patient in line. Then She walks up to me.

She is beautiful.  Her children are beautiful.  Not a single spot or blemish.  

However, there is something unseen.  She is HIV positive. She begins to tremble as my hands meet her own.  All that's left to do now is pray.  Tears well up within and we ask God to please hold her, wrap her in Your love,  protect her children, HEAL her Jesus.  HEAL her Jesus.  Then we were finished.  I watched her walk back out, her world changed forever.

I got a call that same day and was told that a little girl we know from a missionary family in Kampala had just passed away unexpectedly from an extremely rare case of malaria.  I couldn't believe it.  We went to a service at their home that night.  We watched with eyes wide open as a mother cried out in grief.  She asked for prayers. She longs to know WHY.  She wants answers.  

There was an unbroken piece in my heart that fell hard this week.  It shattered, and I started asking God a lot of questions.  I told Mallory I was scared because I didn't feel like a very "good Christian"anymore.  I had fits of rage alone in the car, screaming at God to tell me why, demanding answers. Mallory quickly reminded me there was no such thing as a "good Christian," and that I should keep asking God questions because He would surely answer. 

  Thankfully, I'm not screaming like a crazy person on my drive home from work.  Instead, I figured God heard what I had to say, and now I just have to open my ears.  I'm not expecting to ever understand why little girls die, or why millions of people die from HIV/AIDS, or why God doesn't heal every person you pray for. 

I have been judging the goodness of God on the circumstances around me this week.  I have forgotten the most important part of the story. Jesus came to earth, he taught us how to live and die, and then he decided to take on the powers of hell and destroy death for those who would only believe in Him.  

God gave me an answer this morning.  He told me there are things I will never understand, but I have to understand this one thing-

"For the mountains may move and the hills disappear, but even then my faithful love for you will remain. My covenant of blessing will never be broken, says the LORD, who has mercy on you." -Isaiah 54:10

I have to understand He loves me.  That He loves you. That His will will be done on earth as it is in Heaven.  That He has defeated the powers of death.  I will live forever. I long to spend the rest of my life understanding the answer that Jesus gave us on the cross. 

"indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 8:39

I'm Homesick.

I need to write this down.

The problem is I’m fighting for words. 

The God ache in my heart is telling me to at least try, to be honest and real, even if I don’t know what belongs on this page.

I’m homesick.  It’s like that feeling you got when you were 8 years old at your first sleep over, but infinitely worse. 

I miss my mother and the way she holds me as I cry.  The way she tells me “everything will be alright.”  She is always so sure when she whispers that to me in the midst of my hurt.

I miss my friends from college.  I miss late night frozen yogurt runs, long bouts of laughter that never seemed to end,  runs with Rachel, and the freedom of a car ride with Kerri with nowhere in particular to go.

I miss dreaming and hoping of what living in Africa would be like, because now I know what it’s like.

I miss Dad going out to get me ice-cream when I’m too lazy to do it.

Heck, I miss real ice-cream.

I miss my sister and cousins and the way they laugh with me.

I miss Memaw.

I miss Grandaddy.

I miss Nannie.

I miss Pa Pa.

I miss Mallory.

I’m homesick, but for where?  I love my family in Uganda.  I love my family in America.  Why then, does it feel like every part of me wants HOME.  It’s a deep longing that I was made to have and I know that now. 

I am certainly surrounded by beauty and miracles in Uganda.  I wake up most mornings to a fierce down pour with loud thunder or a sunrise that would make any tuff guy cry.  I hear the laughter of once forgotten children eating breakfast, singing worship songs and wrestling with their brothers.  I see the smiles on faces of kids running into your arms as you approach and old, tattered school building.  Even through the darkest poverty, abuse, and neglect you can see the way God is moving here.

But it’s not enough for me.

Miracles are not enough.

Family is not enough.

Friends are not enough.

Places are not enough.

Earthly pleasures will never be enough.

Through this longing; this deep ache to hold my mom’s hand and sit in her lap, through these tears as I type this -I know what I want. 

I want more of God, because He is always ENOUGH.  He is the only one who is always with me.

It has taken me 2 years of sweating, suffering, putting on Band-Aids and listening to little heart beats, singing, and crying to figure it out.

God called me to Africa for ONE PURPOSE.  He wants me to know Him and enjoy Him more fully.  He gave me ALL of Himself on the cross.  He tore the curtain that separated me from my HOME.  I don’t need to look anywhere else.  My Home surrounds me and lives within my very being.  Jesus is my home.

The road has been long, and I’m sure that it is longer still.  Losing everything hurts, and now I know there is more to lose.  God is showing me through the “loss of all things” that He is HOME. 

Pain is inevitable.  Oh how I try to run from pain!  I've decided I'm not running from it today.  I’m accepting this process of pain. I’m yielding to this realization that nothing will ever satisfy me fully except for knowing the love of Christ.  The ache in my heart for family, friends, and Mom hugs may never end, and I accept that.  I will not run away from this heartache. 

There are moments that I don’t believe He will catch me.  Moments when I don’t believe He will be enough for me.  Today however, no matter what I know for sure now, I am running to Him.  I'm learning through this process of pain that God is just directing my heart to where it belongs.  It’s likely I will stumble and scrape up my knees, but I will run Home today.  I choose to believe He is there and he will always be enough.

“But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ.  What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ- the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith.” Philippians 3:7-9

“Truly, I say to you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or lands, for my sake and for the gospel, who will not receive a hundredfold now in this time, houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and lands, with persecutions, and in the age to come eternal life.” Mark 10: 29-30

“As one whom his mother comforts, so I will comfort you; you shall be comforted in Jerusalem.” Isaiah 66:13

“For I am God, and not man- The Holy One among you. I will not come in wrath.  They will follow the LORD; he will roar like a lion.  When he roars, his children will come trembling from the west.  They will come trembling like birds from Egypt, like doves from Assyria.  I will settle them in their homes.” Hosea 11:9-11

Scars

Every scar has a story;
The crazy tale of how you learned 
to ride a bike,
A battle with your feet that you lost
and you fell on this or that,
A cut that turned out to be deeper 
than you thought,
Wounds with stories, 
left for the world to see.

But there should be no scars on me. 

How is Africa? Where do you sleep? 
What do you do every day? 
What do you eat? 
What are the challenges? 
What parts are the best? 
Do you miss home? 
Do you feel safe? 
Do you have enough money? 
Are you where you want to be? 

There should be no scars on me. 

But I think maybe if they know the pain from each mark, 
They will understand me.

This one is from the nights that I missed home, 
And this big one is from feeling alone,
This one is for every kid that lives on the street, 
And this one is malaria, broken limbs, and bloody feet,
This one is from raising ten stubborn boys,
Here’s one from guilt that I grew up with a roof, and food, and toys, 
This one is from learning to live in a new place,
And this long one is from all the times I thought I earned grace,
This one is for every time that I’ve had to say no, 
And turned them away with nowhere to go,
This one’s from the little boy who the world declares, 
Is hopeless because of three little letters, HIV. 

But there should be no scars on me. 

My scars are not the end of the story, 
Because while they are still there, 
I will tell of the bitterness, anger, hurt, 
the doubt, the resentment, and the pain. 
And I have to check my heart as my mouth opens to speak, 
Because if I practice what I preach, 
I shouldn’t long to tell the stories of my scars,
But I should LONG to tell of the day that I surrendered,
My pain, my sorrow, my glory, 

And there were no scars on me. 

I'm praising God for every person He has put in my path the past month and every church I've spoken at in my time in America that has asked me these questions; keeping me in a place where I long to tell of His glory and how He overcame in my story. The constant sharing has led me to surrender so much every day, because I know that if I am seeking to tell a story to a sister, friend, or stranger so that they will know ME better or what I have gone through; my heart is not in the right place. I've had to repetitively shut my mouth and ask myself if I'm honoring God or myself? And if I'm honoring myself, have I given all of this to Christ? We don't have to hold onto what we've been through and we don't have to keep our scars. When we surrender those things that's when our story becomes a testimony, and that's when we start to count sacrifices that we thought we had made, as gain because they have brought us closer to Christ. Your burden becomes a blessing.

There is power in the word of our testimony, and my testimony should be proclaiming of how He redeemed, how He healed, how He provided, and how He loved every step of the way.I share to tell of His power, His strong arm that upholds me, and how He continues to rejoice over me no matter what kind of hot mess I am. 

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you." 1 Peter 5:6-10

"He must increase, but I must decrease." - John 3:30 

"And they have defeated him by the blood of the Lamb and by their testimony. And they did not love their lives so much that they were afraid to die." - Revelation 12:11

"I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." - Galatians 2:20 

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come." - 2 Corinthians 5:17

New Dresses!

Shout out to the churches and the women's groups in Nashville, TN that helped make and collect these dresses for the girls in the village of Busia!

Be Strong and Courageous

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous.  Don not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” –Joshua 1:9

God said it to Moses, Moses said it to Joshua, and Joshua proclaimed it to the people just before they crossed the Jordan river into the Promised Land. These words are said all through the bible.  God breathed these words before great battles and He proclaimed them before great trial.  King David even encourages his son with these words-

“Be strong and courageous, and do the work.  Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD God, my God, is with you.  He will not fail you or forsake you until all the work for the service of the temple of the LORD is finished.”

Often times we think the whole “strong and courageous” business is just for the times of great battle, triumph, or trial.  I’m starting to think a little differently now though, as we live and work and wait in this country of Uganda. Sure, there have been many times of battles and trials when we had to be STRONG  and COURAGEOUS, trusting in the LORD to fight for us- and win.  But what about those days when there are no great wars to be waged- just a basket full of laundry, a few Band-Aids on minor scrapes, and a grocery list?  What about those moments of the ordinary and mundane?  

These men and women of the bible had a lot of waiting and working to do.  In between the parted Red Sea, the Promised Land, and the finished temple there was a lot of waiting, strength, and courage.  God never stopped reminding them to be strong and courageous.  God always knows what we need and when we need it.  He knows that we need to be strong and courageous in the heat of the battle just as much as the other days.  If we flake out on the days of cooking, traffic jams, Band-Aids, emails, and laundry can we ever make it to the other days?  

I’m reminded today to be strong and courageous, not to be afraid or discouraged, but to believe without a doubt that God is powerful and strong in every moment of every season; in the waiting and working the promises are still there.  Be strong and courageous.

“Who despises the day of small things?” –Zechariah 4:10

looking good!

we've been blessed by NEW UNIFORMS for the kids who go to our school in the slum of Namuwongo

Brothers in the school...

Our seamstresses and their families within the school

looking so smart 

Teacher Rose and her family

One of our cooks, Sanyu, and her family

our nursery class in their new uniforms

middle and top class 

Primary 1 class

Primary 2 class

Primary 3 class 

Primary 4 class 

Primary 5 class 

Primary 6 class 

Primary 7 class

the whole school 

in the classroom

Big Gifts

I wrote this about 3 weeks ago but never had a chance to post it, so here it is: 

We have 86 children in our school in Namuwongo this term. Our goal this term was to reach out to the families who already had some of their children in our school, and find out how many children were still left in their households that weren’t going to school and find a way to help their parents be able to provide for them to begin at Doors Primary. 

Every day we are challenged with the adventure of assessing children to determine who is hungry, who has ringworm, who is dehydrated, why does this child have a fever, and what is that rash and you say it’s WHERE? 

A few months back, a friend of ours who owned a clinic heard about our school and graciously told us that from now on we should bring all of our sick babies there and they won’t charge us for service or for medicine. 

To call it a blessing would say the least. They provided free HIV testing for all of our teachers, children, and any parents that were interested. They’ve treated ear infections, diagnosed multiple cases of malaria, put up with screaming children and aunties that faint at the sight of a needle, and have become good friends through and through. 

At five-thirty last night I got a phone call from them that they were closing down. That day. I didn’t know what to think - I had a million thoughts but my two main concerns were what about my friends who work there? what about our children who get sick? 

Then here’s the kicker....

“Mallory, I need you to come to the clinic and bring a truck. Everything is yours. We want to give our entire clinic to Doors.” 

At 9:30 pm I pulled out of the slum having just left the school with some of our boys from home. We had just packed away hospital beds, couches, an entire medical laboratory, enough medicine to last us for months, and a ton of equipment that I have no idea what I would ever do with it. All we need is a doctor, a lab technician, and a bigger space and we would be up and running. 

I’ve seen God do great miracles. I’ve seen Him provide a house for us at an astonishingly great price, I’ve watched children who enjoyed setting things on fire and had bad habits of biting people turn into men of God, I’ve watched a school rise up out of the dust of a dirty slum and become a center of HOPE in that neighborhood, and I could go on and on and on.  

To some degree, those are all things that we’ve had to pay a price for. They cost us something. They required us to lay down more of our lives, more of our fleshly desires, more of our wants; and each time we had to lay ourselves down whether it was a meek whisper or a bold proclamation we would say “Jesus, you are worthy of it all.” 

Never have we received such a BIG physical gift for free. Absolutely free. The four hours when we were packing and moving the clinic I just kept screaming “THIS IS CRAZY!” 

And in those four hours, the truth sank in more than it ever has before and it settled right in my heart that we have a Daddy who is more alive than we ever make Him out to be. 

We have a King who has a plan that we don’t need to know anything about but at times He shares with us, and all He requires is that we walk forward humbly with a heavenly mind letting Him love us. 

It is for His name that He displays His glory. It is for this crazy, reckless, holding-nothing-back love that He asks us to lay everything down to be a city on a hill for him. 

So we say goodbye to our plans, our control, and we yield to our Maker, the perfect Creator, the BEST Giver