"I know that you can do anything, and no one can stop you. You asked, 'Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorance?' It is I-and I was talking about things I knew nothing about, things far too wonderful for me. You said, 'Listen and I will speak! I have some questions for you, and you must answer them.' I had only heard about you before, but now I have seen you with my own eyes. I take back everything I said, and I sit in dust and ashes to show my repentance." -Job 42:1-6
The day I graduated college my best friend and roommate gave me a card with this verse inside. I had never read the book of Job before (I heard it was pretty depressing, and I wasn't into that stuff) and I had no idea at the time that this chapter would be one I would read over and over for the next two years.
Last week was one of those weeks that changed my life forever. I got to jump on board with a medical team from the states and work a few free clinics. I was given about 5 minutes of instruction and an oral list of around 50 available medications before I jumped in head first into a sea of sick people. I saw over a hundred moms, children, and babies suffering from some typical and not-so-typical health issues. At the end of a busy day I was done seeing patients and I was told to attend the "Spiritual Care Station." This is the most important part of any free clinic, because nothing is worse than a sick spirit. So, I sat down, ready to get my prayer on with the next patient in line. Then She walks up to me.
She is beautiful. Her children are beautiful. Not a single spot or blemish.
However, there is something unseen. She is HIV positive. She begins to tremble as my hands meet her own. All that's left to do now is pray. Tears well up within and we ask God to please hold her, wrap her in Your love, protect her children, HEAL her Jesus. HEAL her Jesus. Then we were finished. I watched her walk back out, her world changed forever.
I got a call that same day and was told that a little girl we know from a missionary family in Kampala had just passed away unexpectedly from an extremely rare case of malaria. I couldn't believe it. We went to a service at their home that night. We watched with eyes wide open as a mother cried out in grief. She asked for prayers. She longs to know WHY. She wants answers.
There was an unbroken piece in my heart that fell hard this week. It shattered, and I started asking God a lot of questions. I told Mallory I was scared because I didn't feel like a very "good Christian"anymore. I had fits of rage alone in the car, screaming at God to tell me why, demanding answers. Mallory quickly reminded me there was no such thing as a "good Christian," and that I should keep asking God questions because He would surely answer.
Thankfully, I'm not screaming like a crazy person on my drive home from work. Instead, I figured God heard what I had to say, and now I just have to open my ears. I'm not expecting to ever understand why little girls die, or why millions of people die from HIV/AIDS, or why God doesn't heal every person you pray for.
I have been judging the goodness of God on the circumstances around me this week. I have forgotten the most important part of the story. Jesus came to earth, he taught us how to live and die, and then he decided to take on the powers of hell and destroy death for those who would only believe in Him.
God gave me an answer this morning. He told me there are things I will never understand, but I have to understand this one thing-
"For the mountains may move and the hills disappear, but even then my faithful love for you will remain. My covenant of blessing will never be broken, says the LORD, who has mercy on you." -Isaiah 54:10
I have to understand He loves me. That He loves you. That His will will be done on earth as it is in Heaven. That He has defeated the powers of death. I will live forever. I long to spend the rest of my life understanding the answer that Jesus gave us on the cross.
"indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 8:39
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