I’m kinda looking at God going “Okay, okay, God, I get it. My strength is not enough.”
And it never will be.
My strength has failed me.
I feel like I’m flailing around a kiddie sized swimming pool panicking that I don’t know how to swim, when all I really need to do is stand up.
This past year has been grueling, trying, heart breaking, pushing me further than I ever thought I could or would be pushed.
I feel like I snapped a long time ago, but today I feel like I’ve reached this semi-crazy place where you just look at where you are, what you’re doing, how you’re standing, and all you can do is laugh.
Recently, our adoption finished, which should be like this huge, awesome hallelujah, right ? It’s more been like a final push to get the name change, the birth certificate, the passport, and apply for the visa. See, I had this really brilliant plan that I was going to have the first three things done by the time my husband gets here on Saturday. Then he could simply take all the paperwork home and apply for the visa from New Zealand. Doesn’t that sound awesome ? My alternative is shipping all my originals to South Africa, the closest New Zealand embassy. It frankly has been funny how hard I have pushed to get this paperwork done, and how nothing has happened. One month later. I’m still like a mosquito just buzzing around the mosquito net and can’t escape.
On Sunday, I started a fundraiser because due to huge changes going on in DOORS, four of the most important people in my life may not have the chance to finish school. We need to raise $15,000 in the next two months to keep them housed, fed, and in school for the next two years until they can graduate high school. I started the fundraiser and within the first hour someone had donated $50. I was ecstatic ! Here we go, God, time to roll in the money !!! And that $50 sat there….and sat there….and sat there. I’m pretty sure I clicked refresh at least 500 times before I went to bed that night. I was so confused. I woke up the next morning and that $50 was still staring at me. I wanted to scream. God, don’t you see how there will be nothing for my boys if this money doesn’t get raised ?
Then today, oh today was really special. I have a place where I keep money saved away for different things. I have my son’s passport money that I recently withdrew from the ATM sitting there. Or it was sitting there. I looked for it today and all the money is there, except for that little envelope with the passport money. Nobody has entered our house since I withdrew that money. I most certainly have not been robbed. Did the envelope jump out of the lock box ? Yeah, maybe that’s what happened. I frantically begin searching my room, shaking every piece of clothing I have, tearing the sheets off of my bed, fanning through every paper in our adoption file at least 5 times. Nowhere. Nothing. What? An hour later, I ended up laying on the cold tile floor pouring sweat, staring at the ceiling, thinking, “God, are you just messing with me? Are you just trying to show me how much I need you?” I’m still kind of convinced that He is and I’ll probably find that envelope laying under my bed tonight.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30
The yoke has not been easy, and the burden has not been light. And that’s nobody’s fault except for mine. I’m ready to throw out the bowling balls I’ve been carrying on my back, and walk uninhibited.
I’m at that point where my natural instinct is to push harder, work later, advertise more, look in the ceiling tiles of my room, push until whatever tiny scraps of strength I still seem to be in control of have totally disappeared and I have absolutely nothing left….
I’m also at that point where I need to give up, where giving up won’t be giving up, where giving up will look a lot like surrendering.
Surrendering to God’s timing, to the fact that He is so in control. Surrendering my fear for trust that God is a provider, that those are his boys, not my boys. Surrendering to the fact that the past few weeks I have been stressed out and slightly running crazy, and there is a high chance that I hid that money in a sock packed away in a suitcase in storage and thought it was a good idea at the time…..and surrendering to the fact that ok, that is not the end of the world.
Once I’ve put those things down, it’s really easy to just sit here and laugh like a semi-crazy person at how hard I’ve been trying, and realize it’s time to eat some chocolate, chill, and trust God to do what He says He is going to do.