Last week we had thieves try to rob our house in the middle of the night.
We were fine, they didn’t get very far thanks to our excellent guard dogs.
It’s not the first time something like this happened, so it didn’t bother me in that way.
I’m white, most people in this country think I’m filthy rich.
The disturbing thing was that there were a few misplaced items in our yard that indicated that the thieves knew where we kept those items. We were being watched ! I couldn’t shake that feeling the next few days and found myself looking over my shoulder….as cliche as that sounds.
I felt myself withdrawing from my neighbors and people that I pass walking near my house every day.
Thinking to myself - “ What if I’m smiling and greeting the man who just tried to rob me ?! I have no clue it’s him, but he definitely knows it’s me and he walks away laughing to himself at this silly mzungu!”
It clicked in my brain about how off that sounded.
I realized how many innocent people I could snub, how many enemies I could refuse to love.
I realized that my snubbery wasn’t going to protect anything except for my pride.
I chose to take the Word literally… “ to love my enemies” and “to love my neighbors as myself.”
It was humbling to put my smile back on. It was even more humbling to search the depths of my heart to find the love that goes behind it.
It felt like an investment.
Choosing to love again - a culture and a people that I’ve been burned by too many times to count.
That’s what trust is - laying down our treasure, laying down what’s precious to us, and believing that it will bear fruit.
Things that make us feel rich and comfortable, things we value, parts of who we are - laying them down so that our hands can be empty to plow, to sow, to reap, to harvest….
And to rejoice.
This year’s been harder than most. Maybe tumultuous would be a good word for it.
Some days I feel 100% OK, and most others I feel like a 100% absurd basket case. It’s been hard to share that with people. I probably should have been more vulnerable, but in those raw moments where you’re trying to figure out what the heck you’re doing with your life and 1000 places sound better than where you are, the last thing you want to hear is …
“But look at all you’ve done !”
“You can always go home”
I had to choose to invest in people who were going to bring me to feet of my Comforter. I knew that’s where I needed to be, and I knew if I took comfort in the fact that I and done enough and I could go home now….then I may have just done that.
I believe I’m on an upward climb out of the valley of dry bones. I believe I’ve seen that place and laid there long enough. I believe God has asked me to be transparent and vulnerable. I believe God has asked me to love my neighbor and speak life over death. I believe God has asked me to see myself the way that He sees me, and if I can do that - than I won’t be walking out of the valley by myself.
I can’t love someone well if I don’t love myself. If you’re bucking against the way that God made you, it will be very hard to see the goodness and glory in our brothers and sisters without having bitterness, envy, jealousy, and hurt. You will see the log in your eye so clearly and you will be anxious to point out the stick in someone else’s.
And I’m pretty sure that’s it’s 100% impossible to give God praise for the way that He made you, if you don’t trust Him.
I can’t tell you how many times the past few months that I’ve cried out to the Lord asking to be loved by Him and for Him to help me to love Him. Once I got over this hurdle of realizing that I can’t be loved by someone I’m not trusting, I lay down my burdens and all that I think I have to carry, and fully just flopped into His love like a big, fluffy pillow.
I’m sure there’s a really fancy theological term for this, but here’s what I’ve found one of my biggest hindrances in trusting the Lord has been this year….
I’ve been letting my overwhelming circumstances creep in and project themselves on how I view God.
Instead of letting my God project Himself over my circumstances.
As I see Him clearly, I can see myself clearly - and only then I can love my neighbors as I love myself. When I see His worthiness, my struggles are swallowed up in His peace and I’m comforted by His hope.
Trusting that He is who He says He - despite the world around me, the loneliness that can swamp me, the bank account that can haunt me, and the thieves in my back yard.
