I'm Homesick.

I need to write this down.

The problem is I’m fighting for words. 

The God ache in my heart is telling me to at least try, to be honest and real, even if I don’t know what belongs on this page.

I’m homesick.  It’s like that feeling you got when you were 8 years old at your first sleep over, but infinitely worse. 

I miss my mother and the way she holds me as I cry.  The way she tells me “everything will be alright.”  She is always so sure when she whispers that to me in the midst of my hurt.

I miss my friends from college.  I miss late night frozen yogurt runs, long bouts of laughter that never seemed to end,  runs with Rachel, and the freedom of a car ride with Kerri with nowhere in particular to go.

I miss dreaming and hoping of what living in Africa would be like, because now I know what it’s like.

I miss Dad going out to get me ice-cream when I’m too lazy to do it.

Heck, I miss real ice-cream.

I miss my sister and cousins and the way they laugh with me.

I miss Memaw.

I miss Grandaddy.

I miss Nannie.

I miss Pa Pa.

I miss Mallory.

I’m homesick, but for where?  I love my family in Uganda.  I love my family in America.  Why then, does it feel like every part of me wants HOME.  It’s a deep longing that I was made to have and I know that now. 

I am certainly surrounded by beauty and miracles in Uganda.  I wake up most mornings to a fierce down pour with loud thunder or a sunrise that would make any tuff guy cry.  I hear the laughter of once forgotten children eating breakfast, singing worship songs and wrestling with their brothers.  I see the smiles on faces of kids running into your arms as you approach and old, tattered school building.  Even through the darkest poverty, abuse, and neglect you can see the way God is moving here.

But it’s not enough for me.

Miracles are not enough.

Family is not enough.

Friends are not enough.

Places are not enough.

Earthly pleasures will never be enough.

Through this longing; this deep ache to hold my mom’s hand and sit in her lap, through these tears as I type this -I know what I want. 

I want more of God, because He is always ENOUGH.  He is the only one who is always with me.

It has taken me 2 years of sweating, suffering, putting on Band-Aids and listening to little heart beats, singing, and crying to figure it out.

God called me to Africa for ONE PURPOSE.  He wants me to know Him and enjoy Him more fully.  He gave me ALL of Himself on the cross.  He tore the curtain that separated me from my HOME.  I don’t need to look anywhere else.  My Home surrounds me and lives within my very being.  Jesus is my home.

The road has been long, and I’m sure that it is longer still.  Losing everything hurts, and now I know there is more to lose.  God is showing me through the “loss of all things” that He is HOME. 

Pain is inevitable.  Oh how I try to run from pain!  I've decided I'm not running from it today.  I’m accepting this process of pain. I’m yielding to this realization that nothing will ever satisfy me fully except for knowing the love of Christ.  The ache in my heart for family, friends, and Mom hugs may never end, and I accept that.  I will not run away from this heartache. 

There are moments that I don’t believe He will catch me.  Moments when I don’t believe He will be enough for me.  Today however, no matter what I know for sure now, I am running to Him.  I'm learning through this process of pain that God is just directing my heart to where it belongs.  It’s likely I will stumble and scrape up my knees, but I will run Home today.  I choose to believe He is there and he will always be enough.

“But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ.  What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ- the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith.” Philippians 3:7-9

“Truly, I say to you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or lands, for my sake and for the gospel, who will not receive a hundredfold now in this time, houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and lands, with persecutions, and in the age to come eternal life.” Mark 10: 29-30

“As one whom his mother comforts, so I will comfort you; you shall be comforted in Jerusalem.” Isaiah 66:13

“For I am God, and not man- The Holy One among you. I will not come in wrath.  They will follow the LORD; he will roar like a lion.  When he roars, his children will come trembling from the west.  They will come trembling like birds from Egypt, like doves from Assyria.  I will settle them in their homes.” Hosea 11:9-11

Scars

Every scar has a story;
The crazy tale of how you learned 
to ride a bike,
A battle with your feet that you lost
and you fell on this or that,
A cut that turned out to be deeper 
than you thought,
Wounds with stories, 
left for the world to see.

But there should be no scars on me. 

How is Africa? Where do you sleep? 
What do you do every day? 
What do you eat? 
What are the challenges? 
What parts are the best? 
Do you miss home? 
Do you feel safe? 
Do you have enough money? 
Are you where you want to be? 

There should be no scars on me. 

But I think maybe if they know the pain from each mark, 
They will understand me.

This one is from the nights that I missed home, 
And this big one is from feeling alone,
This one is for every kid that lives on the street, 
And this one is malaria, broken limbs, and bloody feet,
This one is from raising ten stubborn boys,
Here’s one from guilt that I grew up with a roof, and food, and toys, 
This one is from learning to live in a new place,
And this long one is from all the times I thought I earned grace,
This one is for every time that I’ve had to say no, 
And turned them away with nowhere to go,
This one’s from the little boy who the world declares, 
Is hopeless because of three little letters, HIV. 

But there should be no scars on me. 

My scars are not the end of the story, 
Because while they are still there, 
I will tell of the bitterness, anger, hurt, 
the doubt, the resentment, and the pain. 
And I have to check my heart as my mouth opens to speak, 
Because if I practice what I preach, 
I shouldn’t long to tell the stories of my scars,
But I should LONG to tell of the day that I surrendered,
My pain, my sorrow, my glory, 

And there were no scars on me. 

I'm praising God for every person He has put in my path the past month and every church I've spoken at in my time in America that has asked me these questions; keeping me in a place where I long to tell of His glory and how He overcame in my story. The constant sharing has led me to surrender so much every day, because I know that if I am seeking to tell a story to a sister, friend, or stranger so that they will know ME better or what I have gone through; my heart is not in the right place. I've had to repetitively shut my mouth and ask myself if I'm honoring God or myself? And if I'm honoring myself, have I given all of this to Christ? We don't have to hold onto what we've been through and we don't have to keep our scars. When we surrender those things that's when our story becomes a testimony, and that's when we start to count sacrifices that we thought we had made, as gain because they have brought us closer to Christ. Your burden becomes a blessing.

There is power in the word of our testimony, and my testimony should be proclaiming of how He redeemed, how He healed, how He provided, and how He loved every step of the way.I share to tell of His power, His strong arm that upholds me, and how He continues to rejoice over me no matter what kind of hot mess I am. 

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you." 1 Peter 5:6-10

"He must increase, but I must decrease." - John 3:30 

"And they have defeated him by the blood of the Lamb and by their testimony. And they did not love their lives so much that they were afraid to die." - Revelation 12:11

"I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." - Galatians 2:20 

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come." - 2 Corinthians 5:17