I'm Homesick.

I need to write this down.

The problem is I’m fighting for words. 

The God ache in my heart is telling me to at least try, to be honest and real, even if I don’t know what belongs on this page.

I’m homesick.  It’s like that feeling you got when you were 8 years old at your first sleep over, but infinitely worse. 

I miss my mother and the way she holds me as I cry.  The way she tells me “everything will be alright.”  She is always so sure when she whispers that to me in the midst of my hurt.

I miss my friends from college.  I miss late night frozen yogurt runs, long bouts of laughter that never seemed to end,  runs with Rachel, and the freedom of a car ride with Kerri with nowhere in particular to go.

I miss dreaming and hoping of what living in Africa would be like, because now I know what it’s like.

I miss Dad going out to get me ice-cream when I’m too lazy to do it.

Heck, I miss real ice-cream.

I miss my sister and cousins and the way they laugh with me.

I miss Memaw.

I miss Grandaddy.

I miss Nannie.

I miss Pa Pa.

I miss Mallory.

I’m homesick, but for where?  I love my family in Uganda.  I love my family in America.  Why then, does it feel like every part of me wants HOME.  It’s a deep longing that I was made to have and I know that now. 

I am certainly surrounded by beauty and miracles in Uganda.  I wake up most mornings to a fierce down pour with loud thunder or a sunrise that would make any tuff guy cry.  I hear the laughter of once forgotten children eating breakfast, singing worship songs and wrestling with their brothers.  I see the smiles on faces of kids running into your arms as you approach and old, tattered school building.  Even through the darkest poverty, abuse, and neglect you can see the way God is moving here.

But it’s not enough for me.

Miracles are not enough.

Family is not enough.

Friends are not enough.

Places are not enough.

Earthly pleasures will never be enough.

Through this longing; this deep ache to hold my mom’s hand and sit in her lap, through these tears as I type this -I know what I want. 

I want more of God, because He is always ENOUGH.  He is the only one who is always with me.

It has taken me 2 years of sweating, suffering, putting on Band-Aids and listening to little heart beats, singing, and crying to figure it out.

God called me to Africa for ONE PURPOSE.  He wants me to know Him and enjoy Him more fully.  He gave me ALL of Himself on the cross.  He tore the curtain that separated me from my HOME.  I don’t need to look anywhere else.  My Home surrounds me and lives within my very being.  Jesus is my home.

The road has been long, and I’m sure that it is longer still.  Losing everything hurts, and now I know there is more to lose.  God is showing me through the “loss of all things” that He is HOME. 

Pain is inevitable.  Oh how I try to run from pain!  I've decided I'm not running from it today.  I’m accepting this process of pain. I’m yielding to this realization that nothing will ever satisfy me fully except for knowing the love of Christ.  The ache in my heart for family, friends, and Mom hugs may never end, and I accept that.  I will not run away from this heartache. 

There are moments that I don’t believe He will catch me.  Moments when I don’t believe He will be enough for me.  Today however, no matter what I know for sure now, I am running to Him.  I'm learning through this process of pain that God is just directing my heart to where it belongs.  It’s likely I will stumble and scrape up my knees, but I will run Home today.  I choose to believe He is there and he will always be enough.

“But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ.  What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ- the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith.” Philippians 3:7-9

“Truly, I say to you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or lands, for my sake and for the gospel, who will not receive a hundredfold now in this time, houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and lands, with persecutions, and in the age to come eternal life.” Mark 10: 29-30

“As one whom his mother comforts, so I will comfort you; you shall be comforted in Jerusalem.” Isaiah 66:13

“For I am God, and not man- The Holy One among you. I will not come in wrath.  They will follow the LORD; he will roar like a lion.  When he roars, his children will come trembling from the west.  They will come trembling like birds from Egypt, like doves from Assyria.  I will settle them in their homes.” Hosea 11:9-11