Other Side.

I have been a hot mess.  That’s being easy on myself.  I have had more freak-outs, bouts of crying, and anger in the past 5 months than I’ve had my whole life.  It’s not like I didn’t know this would be hard.  I’m not talking about the living in a 3^rd world country thing either.  I’m not even talking about being away from those people I love.  I’m talking about my relationship with God these past months.  I have felt lost, distant, and separate.  I think for the first time in my life I have had to repeat verses and truths over and over in my head.  I didn’t always believe them or feel them, but I knew God wanted me to.  I couldn’t hope in what I saw- in myself or my surroundings. 

It’s only by His grace that we now have this house, these kids, these friends and support.  It had nothing to do with us. We suck.  Someone told me not to use the word “suck” in my devotions or blogs… but it is a descriptive word that pretty much sums up a lot of my emotions and struggles lately.  Sorry about that one.  Sucks for you.

I have wanted to get on a plane back to the states so many times.  I thought I had screwed up everything.  I might as well start over new somewhere else and rethink things…

I bet when the Israelites made it to the Red Sea they thought- “Well we read something wrong, messed this one up, might as well turn around.”  Then the sea parted.  I bet when the disciples were in the boat during the storm they thought- “We never should have made this journey today, we screwed this up, now it’s all over.”  Then Jesus woke up, and they made it to the other side. 

None of these followers really DID anything except 2 things that I can see:  1. They answered the call to GO and FOLLOW.  2. They didn’t bail.  Jump ship.  Turn back around to safety.

I’ve wanted to turn back, jump overboard, go to starbucks.  Even through my pain and distance I heard God demand my heart to be all in, don’t quit, wait here, be still while I fight for you. During our confusing moments in the desert He has all the while been fighting for us, loving us without condition, and teaching us more about who He is.

I write all this to say that the past few days of this crazy life have been amazing.  Our kids are learning, playing, and being discipled.  Our hearts have been renewed and refreshed by the encouragement of friends and the Church.  God has been leading people and opportunities our way that are BIG.  I’m so lame, cowardly, and swerving that I can’t help but fall on my face to thank God for helping me stay put.

I’m thankful for Mal, who encourages me when I need it most and who kicks me in the butt when I need that most.  I’m so thankful that every time someone tells us we are crazy or that we “can’t do it,” there are about 5 more people that ask to come alongside us and help.

Our lives are crazy, right now we are living day to day with finances, we do have mattresses and mosquito nets, no beds yet.  I said goodbye to hot water a while ago.  There is a sign above our door with a helpful reminder to give Sam his medication on time twice a day.  Our dog Peanut may or may not be under demonic possession. Our shower head is attached with duck tape (at least we have a shower.)  Mal happens to be 6’ 1’’ and that is a challenge for us at times in our bed we share. Ants in Uganda are nuts!  Like, one shows up to a crum and calls his friends to come right over on the MTN network. 

 I’m not in the desert anymore, and I’m thankful for that.  I am also thankful I was, because I can testify how God brought me out.  I’m on the other side humbled and pumped by our faithful Dad.

God is good.  You might have to tell yourself that often.  That’s a good sign I think.  You are on your way somewhere.  You can’t stay the same.  Stay in the boat; don’t turn back to the slavery that kept you comfortable.  


"Let your eyes look directly forward, and your gaze be straight before you.  Keep straight the path of your feet and all your ways will be sure.  Do not swerve to the right or to the left; turn your foot away from evil." Proverbs 4:25-27