Too Much.

When did I realize my life was weird, upside down, crazy, totally different from only 6 months ago?  

I think it was 2 nights ago when ALL 11 of the kids came home from boarding school for Easter weekend.  11 pairs of shoes on the front porch, 11 loud boy voices, and ALL 11 of them doing the Insanity workout in the living room- It wasn’t the best smell in the world...  As I was bending down to stretch I saw one of our chickens in the kitchen. Then for dinner we had to make 18 plates- 11 boys, me, Mallory, Sydney, 2 uncles, security guard, and a friend visiting.  We have exactly 18 plates.  That was the moment.  Life is like this, and it is weird and normal all at the same time.

To be honest sometimes I hate being honest with myself, friends, and especially on here for anybody to see.  But last night I laid in my bed and I couldn’t stop crying. 

 “God this is too much, I can’t do this, I will fail.  I am suffering because I miss my family and they will all be together tomorrow for Easter, it is so loud and crazy here, I am overwhelmed.” 

 That’s me being honest.  

So with selfish reasons, with worldly reasons, and with normal feelings I cried myself to sleep in Mallory’s arms.  I am thankful she has such a large wing-span.  It is comforting.  

God is with me in my tears and tantrums, in my joys and praising, in my questions, and in my contentment.  He is ALWAYS there.  There is not a single gift He has blessed me with that is not good.  It is impossible for God to give me a gift that is not HOLY and GOOD.  I saw these gifts all too clearly at church on Easter Sunday.  Some were dancing and praising God, some were doodling on pieces of paper, and one was asleep.  They are all precious gifts.  They are not perfect, shiny, new, blemish-free gifts as we tend to think gifts should be.  They are CRAZY, LOUD, MANY and yes OVERWHELMING.  

“Cast the net on the right side of the boat,” He told them, “and you’ll find some.” So they did, and they were unable to haul it in because of the large number of fish.

John 21:6

So often my human emotions trick me into thinking that the center of God’s will should look more “put-together” or “orderly” compared to that of the non-believer’s life.  And when those thoughts creep in it is scary because we think we have lost it and need to take a step back.  We can hear it over and over, but sometimes it takes you being in the middle of it, struggling with it, accepting it, and then getting to the other side of it to realize that God does give you overwhelming and impossible tasks.  He did it over and over to the disciples.  They watched Jesus die and then they were left with all these questions- “what do we do next?”

So they go fishing and Jesus shows up and even makes that task almost impossible.  It’s not that Jesus wants to mess us up, He just wants to bring us into His divine plan and Kingdom.  If the disciples didn’t listen to this guy on the shore telling them where to put the net they may have caught a few fish, maybe none.  They would have been able to carry the boat in easily, it would have been a pretty normal-looking day.  Peter would have even made it back to land dry.  No mess.  But they listened.  They did what Jesus asked of them, and they were given too much to carry.  

When we listen and follow we will be given too much to carry.  That is certain.  The disciples made it to the shore with the fish, even though it was too much for them.  We have made it to today, this very moment, still breathing, laughing, praising, crying, and questioning.  Everything has been too much to carry, but here we are- 18 plates, 18 pairs of shoes, 18 loud personalities.  We listened, we acted, we freaked out, and then we looked around and realized where we were.  

We aren’t drowning in anything but His grace and goodness.

“Set your minds on what is above, not on what is on the earth.”  Colossians 3:2